Self-expression versus guilt

This post was originally earmarked for a commentary on self-love and how I have managed to find some sort of balance and was willing to become sovereign to my own belief systems;  To listen to the call of my own song.   My heart sings to me everyday, and in which I have blatantly disregarded as being superficial or unimportant. 

It's no surprise that people around me reflect this ability to put their own needs ahead of mine.  I guess that's what  you get when you undermine your own inner voice, it resounds in the actions of others.

I was pondering on this today.  Something kept appearing in my mind like a dank ghost peering through the windows of my thoughts.  My behaviour towards one of my friends was what I felt...lacking.

I am well known to buck an arsehole without a moments notice.  But this was different.  In revealing my inner thoughts I felt like I had let myself down.  I want to go into it in detail, but lets face it.  It may not be good sport to include people in my real life experience to use as fodder to stimulate mental thought and creativity.

Let's just say, that by saying how I felt about the situation, it left room for me to be uncomfortable, regret what I said, and then disregarded my true inner feelings as being childish.

Honestly, this masochistic behaviour has to stop.  I wanna be brutal, I wanna be true to what I believe in, but I don't want to hurt someone I care about in the process.  I do believe their hurt factor threshold tolerance level is very low.  So it makes it really difficult to say, the most basic put-downs.  Another factor is, if the shoe was on the other foot that clown wouldn't even realise he punched me in the face with a careless remark, action, inaction. Why bother? 

I said "How wonderful life is, while you're in the world"  to someone.  His wife got into a major fight with him coinciding with my comment.  Who knows.  If someone said that to me, I'd think that was really nice.  Some people don't like being told that you like them.  That you think they are important.  That you are grateful for them being here on this planet.  No, somehow this adds pressure to a certain mentality.  That somehow, these words put a person into a hamster wheel of servitude.

If I can't say a compliment that is heartfelt, and I can't say what I feel because I might offend, who exactly is running on the hamster wheel of servitude?  Me or you?  Now I'm responsible  for someone else's happiness.  Now it's my burden to carry.  I'm so not into burdens. 

What I am trying to say, that when you get into close encountered negotiations, it is not a good idea to get caught in the guilt trap.  From my perspective all I want is my words to take flight, to express my inner most thoughts.  My point of bliss, is expression.  Is watching thoughts take form into words, it's a way connecting and communicating. 

It's raining outside and I can hear the water splattering on the concrete.  I can imagine it fall in the darkness, the wind blowing in the background.  There is always a fresh breeze that follows closely behind freshly fallen rain.  It comforts me momentarily through an open window.  I am warm, I am happy, I am writing.

I will wrap this up.

It doesn't look too comfortable in there...

I have thought about the subject on a deeper level and I've come to the conclusion that I may feel guilty about the flexibility of expression.  I have earned every single inch of it.  I notice that other people are still pinned down in their "Iron Maiden" like vices and can't really say what they want, from social conditioned politeness.  Honestly, this is when that rule went up in smoke for me.  The day I decided to leave home.   What gives me the right to be and express freely?  Dunno. 

It feels ill don't it? - Salt and Pepper, Giddyup